Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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