I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
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