she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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