ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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