If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
