How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize