I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
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