She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Randomize
