plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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