I just pynch a tree in the face
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
