fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
