I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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