If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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