this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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