I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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