I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
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