There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you didnt know i had herpes?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
