Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
