so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
