i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
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