I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
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