I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I wish there were birth control emojis
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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