You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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