fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Randomize
