I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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