Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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