And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I am spending my child support on dildos
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
