She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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