I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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