shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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