i already hear my dad disowning me
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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