get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Enjoy the penises
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
