It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
