Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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