Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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