Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
