wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
