My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
