I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
