I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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