if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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