I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
