that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
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