I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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