im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
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