he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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