i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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