she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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