everyone is single if you try hard enough
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
