Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
