drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
