Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
