Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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