woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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