I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
