So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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