just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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