allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
